There is a dilemma almost every Indonesian living overseas faces at one point or another: fight to stay abroad or fly back to their beloved country?
As a young Indonesian, I believe that being abroad offers me more freedom and opportunity, especially in my career as a researcher. It also makes me feel like I’m constantly on an “adventure.”
As a Chinese-Indonesian woman abroad, I do not see the difference between living abroad or in Indonesia because I feel that I belong nowhere.
This feeling of disconnection from my home country is related to my painful memories of the May 1998 riots in my hometown of Jakarta, which targeted Chinese-Indonesian people and property.
Philosophically speaking, I feel like I can “belong” anywhere.
I have been questioned a lot by my Indonesian friends and extended family about why I choose to live abroad.
Have I forgotten about my widowed mother in Jakarta?
Have I become unpatriotic?
Have I forgotten where I come from?
No, I have not.
I think about those things every day.
But living is about choosing what is best for yourself.
If I had returned home years ago, after throwing away what was possibly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and had become unhappy with my life, who would I have to blame?
Those who matter to me support my decision. Period.
In addition, I still need to answer the question, “How far can I go?”
I can always go home, but the opportunity to do research abroad may not come again.
But now, my research contract with a University in the Netherlands is almost finished.
Once more, I am faced with the possibility of having to go home if I do not find another job in the near future.
Trying to stay abroad could be a bumpy road.
For example, I’d have to find an institution willing to obtain a working permit for me.
Or I have to compete with other scholars from developed countries who speak perfect English and are used to being charming and selling themselves.
Although the expense of issuing a working permit may not be a problem for most institutions that employ highly educated expatriates, the problem is that most institutions do not want to go through the hassle of immigration paperwork.
In Europe, most countries have employment procedures that favor local hires over candidates from other European countries, not to mention developed countries such as the United States, Australia or England.
Obviously, candidates from developing countries have an even more difficult time.
On the one hand, going home means being able to embrace my friends and family.
But I have to ask myself, is this option right for me now, having left home for so many years?
How will I adapt back into the culture?
What kind of work can I get in research?
Will this work be properly funded?
Will having a high-level degree help my career in Indonesia, or will it just make me overqualified?
What about all the friendships I’ve made, the networks I’ve established and the efforts I’ve put into building my career in Europe?
Should I return to Indonesia, I think I’ll be able to face all these daunting questions.
My survival skills will kick in and help me to acclimatize.
But they are bugging me now.
There was a time when I thought I’d go back to my home country eventually.
It was when I was in a relationship with another Indonesian.
The idea of getting back together with him provided a strong incentive to return home.
However, when our decision to get married did not get “family approval” due to ethnic and religious differences, we decided to respect our families by separating.
After that, I immediately fell back into my old pattern of thinking.
Those questions nagged me, confirming that I should stay abroad as long as possible.
Daniel Kahneman, a psychologist and Noble Prize winner in Economics, suggests that negative memories have a disproportionate effect on our decision-making processes.
For example, if you go on an enjoyable trip but have one bad experience, that one bad memory might be enough to make you not want to visit that place again.
As everybody knows, human memory is flawed and bad memories tend to have a longer shelf life than good.
I might have more bad memories about Indonesia than good ones, but I might have also overlooked bad experiences that happened to me outside Indonesia.
At any rate, I intend to fight for my place abroad.
If I can’t hold out, at least I know I still have a home waiting, well ... at home.
Despite everything, that’s still a comfort.
Tita Alissa Listyowardojo is a researcher based in the Netherlands.
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